I’ve been happy lately. Everyday I see my son returning to who he has always been. It is such a fast process that some days it seems as if the little boy he has been for the last two years is only a memory. He was never gone, but there were so many layers of anger and anxiety that it was hard to see this side of him. I was worried that it had been smashed out of him, talk about mother’s guilt. I try not to think what he would have been like if we had not change his environment. But we have and he is happy.
So there is this happy boy who wakes up laughing once again, and he goes off to a place where they give him what he needs and with the freedom that is so important for his being. What happens between the moments of tumbling out of the car and the end of the day when one of us returns across town to pick him up? Well that is the place I’ve been living for the last three weeks. It is more than a little scary realizing that the life I mapped out is no longer there and the new one gives me a certain amount of freedom to grow that in ways I had put to the side.
I’ll be honest, I’ve spent too many days driving around in the stretches of back roads between Denver and Boulder. There are errands to be done, ones that have been stacking up in the chaos of the last month. But there is a lot of avoidance on my part. This new life, this full size day that I now have to fill with work and passion is so foreign to me. A good story on NPR is a good excuse to drive another mile or ten down a road.
When I first envisioned my path forward when I was starting my certification it was about creating something to make some money in the gaps of time I could carve out in a full time homeschooling day. Now it is different, now there is real time to use. Real time means more engagement and coming up with a new more amazing plan. Let’s be honest all that driving that I have done for the last weeks hasn’t been completely useless. It has given me time to learn from the inside what this new role for me is going to look like from the interior. But there comes a time to switch from the soft work of thinking about it and beginning. Today I did just that, I have been sitting here at the computer for four hours researching and writing, taking notes and listening to an awful lot of French music (I like music that I can’t understand).
There is still a lot of fear involved in this whole grand project called life, but instead of pondering it and allowing it to become any more daunting I’m just going to move forward. There are steps that I have to take that scare the shit out of me but instead of avoiding them I’m just going to pretend that I know what I’m doing, that I’m not actually shy with strangers, and that what I’m doing has the actual value it should. I keep on reminding myself that I’m not working on a process that leads to ending point but a process that is leading to a beginning.