Maybe it’s the heat. The way it comes into the house too early and sits over everything paralyzing me. All the ideas I have at six in the morning disappear, I’ve taken to carrying a little notebook around so I don’t loose them. But this heat saps my motivation.
But movement and change are all I crave. I have so many ‘I want to do’ statements. So many personal changes, projects completed, and friends seen that I am overwhelmed every time I try to start. Too often I retreat books and videos.
Right now I’m fixated on the idea of planning, of spending a whole day just figuring out what I want to do. The sort of planning session where colored pens and a big pages make everything come together. That’s my birthday present to myself next week, a new journal and pens…. and time.
I have always wanted to be one of those people who finds the book that changes their lives. Not in the amazing fiction sense (I could map my life with those) but the inspirational sort. I still look for them but no matter what is suggested I always feel like they aren’t written for me. I just don’t have much of a spiritual side.
It’s a lot like making a collage, every piece of paper gets moved slowly until I feel that it is in the exact right spot, then glued, repeat until the piece is filled with just the right balance of tension and pause. But organizing life isn’t as easy as collage too many outside personalities involved. Too many temptations.
But I know it’s possible, I do it over and over again. Sometimes I get almost four months out of a method until I start to resent it. Feeling like I am chained to it, I fight back……against myself. Then I tread water and vaguely drown for a while before I start all over again. Will it be different this time?- I ask myself. It is, every time it’s different. My life is constantly changing and these systems don’t hold up to that change.
Maybe this time it will.